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Lost Girl — Faes Wide Open

Posted by Ed Grabianowski on February 12, 2013

Lost Girl - Faes Wide Shut

Lost Girl, the TV show that gives you the maximum amount of sideboob allowed by law, guaranteed.

This week’s episode was called “Faes Wide Shut,” and it should be the final nail in the coffin of the terrible “Fae” puns for episode titles. It doesn’t even make any sense. How do you pronounce that? Fighs? Fay-eyes? Just stop already.

Bo and Lauren are hanging out at the bar checking out the local talent. At first I thought they were scoping out hotties for a potential threesome, as a way for Lauren to participate in Bo’s insatiable sex hunger thing. But then they were checking out a guy, and I’m pretty sure Lauren is a lesbian, not bi. So they were actually picking out Bo’s next conquest…together! That’s fun, but you get the feeling right away that Lauren is going to be a bit too vanilla to make that a regular thing.

Bo picks out a cute blonde and has loud, violent sex with her back home while Lauren and Kenzi hang out downstairs. I know that TV shows like to do the “people having sex in another room means loud crashing noises” thing for laughs, but seriously, what exactly where they doing? Why would girl-girl sex which does not seem to include a strap-on involve furniture randomly toppling over? Does Bo have one of those wrestling fetishes? In any case, we see a LOT of cute blonde. I’m not saying I paused the DVR to look closely for a glimpse of nipple on American TV, but I’m not saying I didn’t.

Kenzi picks a case seemingly out of nowhere – a human woman freaking out that her husband died in an explosive burst of green goo (that ended up plastered all over her hair and cleavage in the cold open, Lost Girl’s first on-camera facial). She coerces a reluctant Bo into taking the case. Just as I remembered that Kenzi had been dragged into an alley at the end of the last episode, I notice that Kenzi is acting really strangely.

So strangely, in fact, that she spends the whole episode playing the scooby gang against each other, telling lies, deleting texts and otherwise stirring up trouble. She even triea to pay Trick for her beer.

Meanwhile, Bo investigates a sex club run by a Bacchus named Roman. He seems charming enough, and provides the male eye-candy this week by never even wearing a shirt, since Dyson managed to keep his little leather vest buttoned up tight for a whole hour.

At this point, Lost Girl does its usual hand-waving plot thing. Lauren whips up an antidote for humans infected by whatever is at the club turning them into goo (even though she doesn’t even know what it is yet). Bo gets into the secret key club and learns that the fae in question is a Manta, a tentacled thing that does something or other and needs to live where it’s humid, in this case the club’s steam room.

Dyson and Tamsin continue to be the absolute worst cops in the world. They find a corpse, which happens to be Bo’s cute blonde friend from the night before. Dyson is like, “Contusions and other big words, therefore strangulation.” Then Tamsin remembers something she saw once on a cop show and says, “We should wait for the autopsy before we draw any conclusions.”

The thing is, Dyson smells Bo on the body, and tells Tamsin. What do they do? “Hey, I know! Let’s have the primary suspect’s girlfriend do the autopsy!” Dyson manages to faintly realize this might have been a poor choice later, when the autopsy report comes back as “inconclusive.” “Lauren would do anything to protect Bo,” he mutters, and his brow furrows as a troubling thought crosses…no, it’s…almost there…something not quite right…it’s…no, never mind, he lost it. So close, though.

Bad Cop/Dumb Cop randomly decide to accompany Bo and Kenzi back to the sex club, where Lauren randomly shows up with her antidote. She says sciencey things. “Something something mutation something jumps hosts something something crossing species something.” Are you getting the impression that this episode was terribly written, with implausible events and nonsensical plot holes? Wait until the finale!

Which is Dyson and Tamsin meeting with Roman to “look around.” Hilariously, that is literally what they do. They spend several minutes just sort of meandering around Roman’s boudoir, glancing at things. Roman has trapped some humans in some kind of spotlight thing (they make zero effort to explain what this device is in any way) to help cover up the goo explosion problem. Then he just lets Dyson open it up and reveal his big secret.

Well, actually, he reveals his big secret (some kind of sexual liaison with the Manta because he’s grown bored with sex after so many centuries, which Dyson says is illegal) in a villainous soliloquy.

Then Roman grabs his rod and shoots a magic ray at Dyson. What kind of magic ray would a Bacchus shoot? One that makes you drunk and horny? No, it’s a death ray, but Dyson says, “I’m rubber and you’re glue, whatever death rays you shoot bounce off of me and kill you.” Actually, he just holds up a silver bowl. Roman dies.

Then Lost Girl almost literally hand waves the plot again (all that was missing was Lauren physically waving her hands in front of the camera). There’s an edit to Bo and Lauren on a couch, and Lauren is explaining, “…and then all the random problems with that random case were randomly solved off-camera.” Lost Girl, I am rolling my eyes at you SO HARD.

Slight complication: when Bo beat up the bad guys in the Manta chamber, she got all blue-eyed, dark side again and did some serious damage to them. She was practically feral, talking in Scary Voice. Lauren has to talk her down by bringing up memories of sideboob from seasons past. Then, Kenzi preps a Thai meal for Bo. Bo tricks her into taking a big bite of noodles. Twist ending! Kenzi is allergic to peanuts, which Thai noodles are full of! Bo knows this isn’t the real Kenzi!

Did you know that fae hydras are just really buff dudes with nine penises? That’s truth. You can put that in your Lost Girl wiki.